Hyacinth, Iris, Violet...my blossoms for life

Out of 26 ...it had to be 3. 

A town in the back of beyond
A chance encounter
Our eyes locked and then I broke the gaze
I smiled as I turned away
I knew the moment I saw him
That he was mine and I was his
I have looked back so many times and wondered
Was it my destiny or did I choose my own fate?


Lust. Foolishness. Lack of direction.
It could never have spelt a good beginning
My gut always told me he wasn't right
I ignored it
I fell in love and  stayed in love
Long after it made sense to
I saw happily ever after, I wanted happily ever after
I was trying to fill a gaping hole
It only grew


Late nights
Broken promises
Abuse and pain
Tears
Desperation
A mother whilst I was a child myself
My life in another child's hands
I was never safe
None of us were
How could we be?

The day he told me we had to talk
I had a sinking filling.. I already knew
The writing had been on the wall for longer than I cared to remember
Wishing I had stopped, read the signs and run ...was futile
In an instant my life changed forever
Anger
Disgust
Regret
Crippling Fear


Almost 2 decades later
Many bruises. On my skin. On my heart.
My dignity in shreds
The sanctity of marriage little more than a humourless joke
Years of lies and betrayal
Telling myself it was the best thing for the kids
The best thing for me..surely?
So I stayed
He owed it me
To us
But now I realise that I owe it to myself
To face the truth
That all I get for my naivety is this pathetic little bouquet


It could have been S
For Saffron
It could have been D
For Daisy
It could have been A
For Aster
I would have settled for any of those 3 
Or any other 3 in fact
They don't spell a three letter plague
I have often wondered when the precise moment was
That I received my tiny bouquet of toxic flowers
Seemingly sweet
Deceivingly beautiful

But out of the 26 it had to be 3... 

And now we co-exist 
They are my friend and my foe
Giving me strength whilst destroying me everyday
A bitter irony I acknowledge daily
But they are an inextricable part of me
There's no running
No hiding
No wishing it away
They are now my blossoms for life...

Hyacinth, Iris, Violet.