A fine line

It started in my chest... slightly to the left

Tingling at first then building steadily

Until it was a sharp searing pain

Stabbing inwards  and radiating across my torso

Until I was bent over in pain.

Hunched over I clutched my chest

And slumped to the floor, my eyes blinded by the pain

My heart exploding fit to burst

Then I felt my skin starting to prickle

As if tiny needles were trying to push through my flesh 

but just as they burst through they were rammed back in painfully.

The pain was overwhelming.

Scratching at first then ripping my skin violently

And leaving my pink flesh vulnerable, damaged and exposed.

Tiny beads of blood bubbled then gushed through the pores.

Writhing on the floor in pain I snaked 

Towards the door, desperate to get away from my own body.

Then the room grew dark and  all sensation in my limbs numbed.

I froze ... the panic rising inside me,

Eyes closed and fists clenched I lay there motionless

waiting for the next attack.

What was happening to me? 

Was it all in my head?

Suddenly I was gasping for breath.

It felt as if the air was being siphoned out of the room.

I was crawling now on my hands and knees, looking for an exit

A door..

A window...

Desperate for air, my body shuddering with each raspy gasp.

I tried to inhale but instead felt my chest tighten

As my lungs seized ...then gave up

I slumped to the ground

Reaching out desperately  in the pitch dark

Reaching for help, for relief..for air

Fighting a losing battle  for my life.

My body formed a  pathetic grotesque shape

As I lay there feeling the  life seep out of my body

And then everything shut down.

In an instant

It was over.

The room was so still and quiet.

My last memory... a rank smell of filth and rot.

When I came to the first thing I noticed was the light.

I blinked as I tried to focus.

I raised my arms in up to my eyes,

Shielding them from the light as my eyes adjusted to the view.

I could see the light properly now

It was a warm glow washing over my skin

Like tiny little glitter fairies dancing all over my body

The pain...it was gone!

I felt as light as a feather

I lifted my head and realised that I was somewhere up high.

I was floating in the sky

looking down at my damaged form - 

Still laying slain on the ground ... no longer on the floor 

But now in a dry, and rocky barren field.

How could I be up here

Just floating with my back to the sky,

Seemingly weightless?

As I relaxed and inhaled deeply I smelt the delightful scent 

Of spring bursting to life around me 

I shut my eyes... fresh grass.. hints of lavender and honey 

Drifting seductively into my nostrils

It was so sweet .. and so surreal..intoxicating almost.

I felt giddy, the contrast of these two worlds overwhelming me.

I slowly relaxed and as I did I felt the peace wash over me

What was happening?

Was this a dream?

I was momentarily stunned

And then I saw it...

A fine golden line, shimmering midway between 

my two 'bodies'.. like a ribbon floating in the breeze

This one happy and warm 'self' 

Looking down through the barrier

At this horrific scene below me beyond the line

As if into a mirror of my lifeless 'self' 

Spent and discarded in a wasteland...

And as I took it all in it slowly started to make sense.

ALL OF IT.

There's a fine thin line

Between merely surviving  - 

And actually living

This whole picture was my life 

In all its raw, ugly and also hauntingly beautiful glory

I had a choice to make.

My heart had been slowly breaking over time

Cracking and then shattering and splintering into pieces.

The splinters created were my emotions

Racing riotously  through my body 

Trying to be deciphered but making no sense.

The flood of painful memories

Had tried to be contained in my body - 

But with my sanity gone, my composure destroyed

They started to seep through my pores,

Bleeding through to the outside - 

The toxicity of them rotting my flesh in the process.

The desperate gasps were my last few cries for help

Clutching at the air.. a final desperate bid to escape

The torture of my own life

It was a summary of my existence until this very moment.

This dreamy, warm place was a taste of what it could be..

If I was willing to let it all go,

Let go of the years of pain 

And all who had caused it 

At some point I had started breaking my own heart

Destroying myself from the inside out

With the lies I told myself over and over

To justify this existence that I was choosing

There's a fine line

Between choosing to be a victim

And being the heroine in your own story.

A fine line between giving up

And giving in;

Walking away or bravely starting over.

It doesn't change what was.

You cannot forget it,

Or ever escape it.

But you always have a choice.

A fine line 

Between looking around in desperation for someone to help you

And having the strength to save yourself.

Sometimes from yourself.

It was an easy decision.

I curled my body and arched upwards,

Almost as if I was diving up into the great beyond.

I could see the sun, the moon, and the stars and few bolts of lightning - 

All at once!

I swam speedily upwards,

Forging my own new path,

Swimming towards the light

Into a place where the impossible can be possible - 

Where the sun and the moon can be out at the same time!

Where I made the rules...

And I was in charge.

That grizzly image is a reminder..

That  haunting corpse of a life

Was not what I wanted to be.

I chose life.

I am still swimming upwards - 

And I will never ever turn back.

#survivior#neverquit#